The Fly on the Wall: Perspective in Relationships

“He Said, She Said”. “Accusations Of Lying”. “Twisting Your Words”. No, these are not the titles of three new singles from the latest Taylor Swift album. Those who have been in tumultuous relationships, however, may recognize them as a kind of ‘Greatest Hits’ -perhaps as commonly uttered phrases from a dysfunctional marriage or a lifelong parent-child conflict.

When things go bad in a relationship, the truth becomes a battleground between the parties involved. When coaching clients on dealing with relationships, sessions often begin by gathering the context surrounding their interpersonal conflicts. Almost inevitably, most clients end up sharing stories of at least one dispute between themselves and another party about what “is true” (or rather has been said to have been true); the client accuses their friend or their spouse of lying about what happened in a situation, or they feel like their words and actions have been misrepresented to others by the offending party. The feelings of hurt and betrayal involved in these disputes run deep, and can have a profound impact on the state of the relationship.

"But Max…”, you say, “some people are just liars!” You’re not wrong: we’ve all known people who are pathologically driven to lie against and manipulate others. But putting aside those people with a psychological condition or some other clinical form of compulsion, plenty of well-intentioned "normal" people find themselves being accused of lying or manipulating others. But how can this be? You’re either a liar or you’re not, right?

This is where the understanding of perspective in relationships becomes so important. I often say that in any dispute, there are not just two perspectives on what transpired or what was said. When you and I disagree, the truth of what occurred is not simply a matter of my perspective vs yours. There is “you, me, and the fly on the wall”.

You have likely been the “fly on the wall” at some point in your life. Ask yourself, have you ever been in a situation where a couple of your friends or relatives had a dispute in front of you, and later one (or both) of them recalls some aspect of the conflict in a different way than you experienced? Maybe one friend remembers the other friend saying they "hated" them, when you distinctly didn’t recall ever hearing the word "hate"? Or perhaps both of them get some distinct details incorrect. How does this happen? Are one or both of them now pathological liars out to hurt the other?

The answer is of course, “no”, but the explanation as to why is a bit more complicated. Firstly, lets recall our own mental state when we are in a heated discussion or dispute with someone in our lives. Because the subject matter is often emotionally charged, our state is one of high energy and defensiveness, rather than one of calm and clarity. In this state were are often driven to respond with speed and intensity rather than with careful consideration as to what we’re intending to say. We’re trying to convey a feeling as much as we are trying to assert facts.

While this doesn’t mean that everything we share in these situations is false, or that we suddenly can’t tell fact from fiction, it does mean that we aren’t in our optimal state to deliver information clearly. It also means that the intended recipient of that information is usually also trapped in this state. Consequently, they are “hearing” your emotions as much as the details you’re sharing, and thanks to our natural "fight or flight" response, their brains become tuned for defense, rather than purely information processing and openness.

In the haze of a conflict that often involves two people who have a history of prior conflicts in tow, even simple statements can be misconstrued and lead to lasting divisions between them. One person’s “I don’t like visiting your parents” can be construed and remembered by the other as “I don’t like your parents”, when in fact the original person was intending to imply that the situation surrounding visiting the parents is the issue. These misconceptions can be further fueled by prior arguments and feelings of resentment, even when some of those old feelings themselves may have been the result of misconstrued information and fraught communication in the past.

So why is this important? The big takeaway here is the understanding that relationship conflicts are a place where even honest people who care for one another can get their wires crossed, often to the degree that they begin to view the other person as lying or manipulative.

By realizing that many disputes we interpret as purely true vs false or black & white are often subject to the limitations of our own perspective, we can create a space whereby we can evaluate our relationships through a different lens. It becomes possible to have empathy for the other people involved in the dispute, even when they have differing viewpoints about what transpired between us. We can begin to understand how, even if others are incorrect in their perceptions (you don’t hate their parents, you just don’t like traveling to see them every winter etc), they could come to their conclusions without doing so maliciously. We can also see the ways in which we have done the same to others in our lives!

Having processed and internalized this newfound understanding, we can offer it to others in order to foster a deeper form of future communication. By sharing that you are understanding as to how your perspectives could differ in spite of your mutual best intentions, the other party can come to realize that you aren’t being malicious in your disagreement. The two of you can begin to navigate the source of your misunderstandings on their own merits, rather than on the premise that one of you is acting with ill will or simply "refuses to see the truth". The energy levels can be lowered, and the tone can become more civil, fostering a new communication with less misunderstandings going forward.

That being said, some things will simply never be matters of perspective. If one of you says the other left the door unlocked or called the other person a name, then you either did or you didn’t. Someone is right, and someone is wrong, and it is not inconsequential when one party in a relationship consistently gets these types of details wrong. It may be a sign of pathological manipulation, a manifestation of a deep personal insecurity, or simply an addled mind state (poor sleep, brain fog, substance abuse etc). Some people have issues that transcend the interpersonal conflicts they experience, and need help that we cannot offer.

Our understanding of perspective in relationship conflicts does not entitle someone to be consistently or maliciously wrong, but it does provide us the tools to better recognize when people are doing so. If you can’t seem to identify a way in which someone could honestly arrive at consistently differing viewpoints about disputed issues between you, and you can’t see where you have potentially been misinterpreting their perspective even upon careful self-reflection, then this may be indicative of an issue that improved communication cannot remedy.

My relationship coaching philosophy is for a client to share their context, achieve clarity, foster a new communication, and to eventually choose transformation. Understanding how perspective works in relationships is a crucial, foundational part of achieving a personal sense of clarity. One simply cannot begin to work towards a healthy communication in their relationships when trapped in a purely adversarial "black & white" or "he said, she said" mindset. The limiting scope of these beliefs means that you can never hope to properly navigate the messy landscape of how humans process and share information, emotions, and desires, even when they love one another and have their best interests at heart.

If you have experienced consistent disagreement and dispute with someone you love and want to move out of the cycle of perpetual conflict, please reach out to me. I will help you navigate through the crisis, practice techniques that will sharpen your understanding of perspective, and work towards improved communication that can lead to a lasting transformation in your relationships.